I used to cry because I was unhappy, because I wasn’t where I felt most at peace and where I belonged. I used to cry because my future felt like it had been taken away from me.
Now I cry because I’m getting back on track. I cry because I don’t feel unnecessary anymore; don’t feel ordinary, just like every other person forced to do what they don’t want to. I cry because I’m getting the one thing back that has kept me going for the past three years of my life.
I am finally happy again, and I cry because I had forgotten what happiness felt like.
As much as you have made my life a living hell, as much as I have been wishing for death -both for me and for you-, I do wish to thank you. Even after all the times I broke down and the many times I thought I couldn’t take it any more, I still see the impact you have made on my life. I can see the immunity you have given me and the ability to shut everything and everyone out; that same thing you have spent many years criticising me about, that I have come to love.
You thought I couldn’t live in this bubble I have made for myself but you don’t know that this bubble is what saved me from you. You don’t know how fucked up I would have turned out to be if it wasn’t for that bubble. I do admit that I do have issues but they are all minor and without my bubble I wouldn’t have turned out like this. My bubble was like a protecting shield for me, taking in all the daggers that were aimed for my heart, at least those that came from you. For I know that there are times where I need to let go of my bubble, there are people from whom I choose not to hide, even if I might end up regretting it. But I do not regret using it to shield your harms away from me, exact the opposite, I am proud of my bubble, I am proud of myself. I am proud to have saved myself from what could have been a deep darkness in my soul.
And I have you to thank. Thank you for helping me. I thank you for giving me this perspective of my life and of how far along I have come, even with all those chains, you tried to to hold me back with..-March 13
How often do you need to be screamed at from your children to finally get it.
How many looks of disrespect, of hate do you want to receive.
For how many failures in their lives do you wish to be blamed before you understand how you’re breaking them.
The constant name-calling, the disrespect they’re seeing; it all enforces nothing other than hatred.
You always used to say that you don’t get the feeling that I loved you; like you don’t know why?
You always criticized my disrespect for you, like you don’t see how worthy of it you are..
Never looking back at what damage you were causing, you just let your selfishness guide you, or misguide you to be precise. You may have cared but never enough to protect us. You only made it worse, scratched our wounds for us, when they were at their last point of healing.
I do not understand, what kind of parents do that. I don’t understand how they can claim to love their children, when all they do is prove otherwise. I do not understand and I don’t think I ever will, all I am to do is to hope to never turn into the people they have become..
-March 13th, 2013
The worst part about losing you is losing the hopes and dreams I had for us. The worst part is having to share those dreams with a replacement.
The hard part is you not being there when I look for you, when you used to stick your head out for me when I called you and follow me everywhere I go, when I find out after you’ve gone, that we weren’t meant to be.
All of it hurts. All of it makes me miss you even more.
November 24th, 2012
Where will you be, when I’ve reached the top.
Where will you be, when I’m stuck under that ceiling.
When I’ve nowhere else to go and nowhere to hide, where will you be?
You, I tell you, will have gone. You will have rescued yourself and left me to struggle on my own.
November 5th, 2012
You’re overwhelmed. For what you’ve been doing all your life and so easily, has been taken for granted and therefore it’s gone. Right before the time comes where it’s crucial to be doing it. You find you are losing yourself, stumbling down the stairs. You can feel the bruises starting to form. You hope for a turn in the stair case for you can’t remember the sprint up. You keep stumbling and resisting, which only makes it worse.
Where you will stop is up to you. You can reach the bottom of the stair case, right where you started, or, if you’re lucky, you might find something to hold on to.
November 5th, 2012
1st day of my 30 day writing challenge..
my mom: A mother, wife and daughter who’s been hurt so much she often can’t see the thin line between right and wrong anymore,
my sister: A young woman who’s fighting through her pain, trying to break down the walls that stop her from becoming the person she really wants to be.
my trainer: A man who’ll go out of his way to help others find their own, teaching them something that he’s passionate about and transferring that passion to those young minds.
my best friend: Damaged and bruised she goes around trying to bleed her heart out on paper. (PS. follow her on tumblr: http://jan-9621.tumblr.com)
my other best friend: Going through her long-term depression she hides her heart behind its curtains and keeps it there.
September 4th, 2012
This was the 2nd topic of my 30 day writing challenge:
Roses.. What pops in a girl’s mind right away, when this word is mentioned, is her dream guy coming back home from work with a bunch of them. Roses have their own context, everyone knows they are romantic, everyone knows the rose from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.
Roses, along with hearts, symbolize love. Not that it needs any symbols, but that’s us humans being us, we like to give non-materialistic things their symbols. Roses have their own poem, their own joke format (a lame one that is), their own context, and their own shape.
We should be envious of roses. How loved they are, the emotions they trigger between lovers. People want to be loved as well, we need that love to survive. Maybe if we got rid of roses, if we got people to forget they ever existed, maybe then we can concentrate more on loving the people instead of the roses.
September 6th, 2012
Do you know that feeling, when you break your own heart?
When you love someone so much, that the thought that you’re on the verge of losing them because of something you did just kills you?
But you’re not just on the verge, it has already happened. You just won’t believe it, until they start ignoring your entire existence and you just wish it was true, that you actually didn’t exist because it would be so much easier than having to go through that kind of pain.
Years ago, I lost you.
I was young and naiive,
almost too young to have more than an indistinct
remembrance of you,
yet there’s so little I forgot.
The sound of your voice often rings in my ears
when someone says
phrases you’ve always used.
As much as it pains me
to this day that I’ve…
Someone that used to mean the world to you. Someone that has hurt you too many times. Someone who letting go of has caused you even more pain. Someone who thinks they can do whatever they want, get out of your life whenever they choose and re-enter it just because they feel like it. Come and go as they please, don’t give but only take.
And you let them. You let them steal away your pride and demolish the walls you’ve built to hide your insecurities. You let them deprive you of your peace of mind. You just let them break you down, piece by piece..
October 3rd, 2012
There’s this place I went to, where I found happiness. I found home. I found new parts of myself. I found out how it felt to be actually happy. I found friends, around whom I was totally and utterly myself. I found friends who liked and accepted me for that self. I found friends who are fun to be around and friends who are amazing to talk to.
Maybe it was only for a month and maybe it passed way too quickly but that month will always remain to be one of my happiest, healthiest and most relaxed time periods with some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.
October 3rd, 2012